Xanadu

If you thought that the Bee Gees/Beatles musical "Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" was as low as musicals could sink in the late seventies, XANADU came along in 1980 to plumb new neon colored, fantasy depths.

While some of the music from ELO and Olivia Newton-John has survived the test of time, the film did manage to end the film careers of Newton-John and aging co-star Gene Kelly.

Rebel album cover artist Sonny Malone (a incredibly cardboard Michael Beck) fights with his boss, roller skates up and down the boardwalk and falls in love with muse Kira (Newton-John) as she pops in and out of the air in Tron-like, really bad special effects.

She inspires Sonny to work with retired club owner Danny McGuire (Kelly) to open up a new club in LA.

For 96 painfully slow minutes that feel much longer, Sonny skates, Kira sings and Danny plays his clarinet as they build the new club.

Director Robert Greenwald never made another feature film, which is probably a good thing as this thing pops all over with no real momentum.

It's like a bunch of music videos thrown together in a jumble.

When the club finally does open, its the worst opening night in film history, wih the possible exception of John Travolta's oiled up dance numbers in hell in "Staying Alive".

Featuring roller skaters, 80's punk, greasers, WW2 singers and big bands, a lot of shoulder pads and even more hairspray, XANADU is a giant, godawful mess.

The songs "Magic" and "Xanadu" aren't bad, but its pretty painful when the only time you're leading man is animated is when he's actually animated in a cheap, Don Bluth princess and the frog cartoon sequence.

What the hell am I watching here?

Newton-John is so gorgeous she gets away pretty unscathed, but no one will accuse her of being an actress. Kelly shows some sparks of his glory days in a dance number or two, but his acting seems beamed in from another era. It's pretty painful.

Producer Joel Silver was fired by Universal after the budget went from $4 million to over $13 million.

Where did all that money go?

Probably hairspray.

XANADU gets an F.