As I revisit 80’s action movies that I enjoyed in my twenties, I can only wonder what the hell I was thinking back in the day. I remember seeing Chuck Norris’s INVASION USA in 1985 on a packed Friday night in the theatre, soaking up its crazy Rambo-era action.
Watching it now, I was mostly amazed by how low-budget the whole affair is from start to finish.
A Russian terrorist named Rostov (this was Reagan era action after all) unleashes a band of scrappy stereotypical terrorists on the USA, planning to take down the country by posing as Police and soldiers and turning Americans against each other.
It’s rather hard to take any of it seriously as a national threat when the first half hour takes place in a Florida swamp, where former CIA agent Matt Hunter (Norris) hides out all day catchin’ gators and cutting off his shirt sleeves.
When the horde of terrorists land on our shores in D-Day style boats, they aren’t met by the coast guard, but manage to shoot and step over a big 80’s hair couple making out on the beach. When the action moves to the city, it all appears to take place in a 60’s era city set that reflects how little money the infamous Cannon studio and 80’s schlockmeisters Golan and Globus sunk into the project. This duo brought us plenty of 80’s hits, including Stallone’s “Cobra” Van Damme’s “Cyborg” and the horrific Superman IV. They knew how to peddle trash to the masses. Just ask me, I was there opening night!
Anyway, there are about three minutes of good action in the finale thanks to some crazy stuntmen and about 1000 machine guns firing at once, but this whole cheesefest is SO predictable that there are plenty of laughs.
When the bad guys attach a bomb to the side of the school bus loaded with kids singing “Row Your Boat”, do you think Norris will appear out of nowhere, grab the bomb and then drive really fast in his big ol’ truck and attach it to the bad guys car??? Well of course he will.
I stopped counting how many times that Norris appeared out of thin air to take down the bad guys, with a machine gun on each hip and his 80’s feathered hair never moving, no matter how many bullets whiz through it.
Richard Lynch (The Seven-Ups) is a decent villain, but even HE can’t withstand Chuck’s withering one-liners, spin kicks and soaring monster truck.
If “Predator” was made by hillbillies, it would surely look a lot like INVASION USA. Norris is so bad it’s hilarious.
It gets an F.
And please find where we can get these rocket launchers and guns that very rarely need reloading. And while you’re at it, let’s find out why these terrorists hate Christmas so much. When you’re blasting little girls out of the Oh Tannenbaum, I think you have issues….
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