Into the Woods

I am stunned by INTO THE WOODS.

These are the thoughts that went through my head watching the film:

"Wow, this is really bad."

"This might be the worst film I have seen in years, it's definitely the most boring."

And those were the nicest things that crossed my mind.

This film adaption of Stephen Sondheim's Broadway musical features a stellar cast, a huge budget, big orchestrations and a giant budget.

So what happened?

The story has major potential, merging the stories we know of Cinderella, Jack and the Beanstalk, Little Red Riding Hood and Rapunzel into one tale. Meryl Streep is a witch with four days to lift a curse by having the town baker and his wife collect four magical items, one tied to each fairy tale.

Director Rob Marshall has worked cinematic wonder before in Broadway adaptions, with his 2009 screen version of "Nine" and 2002 "Chicago" as great examples of film musicals.

I should also note that we really enjoy musicals and I enjoy Sondheim, having seen "Company" and "Sweeney Todd" on Broadway and really having a great experience at each.

But WOW, this is painful. Meryl Streep is great, Chris Pine brings the ONLY levity to the entire film and Emily Blunt is fine as the Baker's wife, but Johnny Depp continues his career slide as a very "To Catch a Predator" like Big Bad Wolf and the entire film becomes a seriously slow mess with people coming in and out of the story, major characters disappearing for good and one important white cow falling over dead about two thirds of the way through this slog.

The cow was the only character I could really relate too, I know how it felt.

The longest 130 minute movie of my life, this is a joyless, monotonous, painful experience.

I just kept hoping it would stop.

Save yourself two hours. Whatever you do, don't go INTO THE WOODS! An F.