Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers

I’ve made it a habit to watch the Halloween films in sequence, reviewing a new one or two each year. Things have hit a low point today watching HALLOWEEN 5: THE REVENGE OF MICHAEL MYERS from 1989.

The plot is nearly non-existent, and the actors are horrible other than the reliable Donald Pleasance (You Only Live Twice, Fantastic Voyage) as Dr. Loomis.

Loomis is back and in charge of Michael’s niece Jamie, still played (horribly) by Danielle Harris, returning from the last film.

She’s apparently tied to Michael in some mysterious psychic way and still mute, after the finale of Part 4. At least that affliction saves us from half of her “acting”.

In the first of many, many stretches of credibility and common sense, Michael escapes bullets, dynamite and good storytelling by rolling down a bank into a river and floating to his escape in an idea stolen from “The Fugitive”. He immediately ends up in the ramshackle cabin/hut of a goofy prospector, a character that only exists in the imagination of bad screenwriters. In what’s apparently an idea stolen from “Frankenstein”, the old man may be blind, or maybe not, its shot so badly you are left wondering.

He nurses Michael for a year in a coma, and when Myers wakes up right before Halloween, he immediately murders the old dude and starts a rampage against a small town in pursuit of his niece. Why? No idea.

What is the psychic deal that pops in and out of the story? No idea.

Who is the mysterious character that looks pulled off the cover of Stephen King’s “The Gunslinger” who shared the same tattoo on his wrist as Michael? No idea.

What does the ending mean? No idea.

Why does every character that’s set up to be murdered appear to be a stereotype from a 50’s sock hop movie with modern (80’s) morals? No idea.

Why can’t a hopped up ’67 Camaro that we’ve seen squeal through the streets suddenly not have the speed to drive faster than a 9 year old can run? Why does it explode like a ’72 pinto when it hits a tree? No idea.

The makeup is uninspired, even the music by the usually reliable Alan Howarth is laugh-out-loud bad, betraying some post-shoot tampering.

The direction is horrific and stupid. Dominique Othernin-Girard never made another feature film as a director, so at least something good came out of this mess.

Never scary, always dumb, HALLOWEEN 5 gets more revenge on the audience than any other screaming targets that stumble around aimlessly.

It was the lowest grossing film in the series, so audiences clearly had more sense than anyone in the movie. This is one rotten pumpkin that gets an F. I’d like those 96 minutes back, please.