Do you remember those second rate 1970's knockoffs of hit films that would hit theaters during the heat of summer?"Jaws" begat "Grizzly", "Black Sunday" spawned "Two Minute Warning", "The Exorcist" gave birth to "Beyond the Door".
BORDERLANDS may have 100x their budget and feature some huge stars, but that can't save it from splatting onto the screen as a half-assed mashup of "Fallout" and "Guardians of the Galaxy".
Yes, I know it's a video game (which I've never played) but trying to watch this lifeless mess after speeding through hours of the brilliant video game adaption, "Fallout", it's a herculean comedown.
Cate Blanchett steals the movie (petty theft, but still earned) as Lilith, a kick-ass bounty hunter hired by future Elon Musk type Atlas (Edgar Ramirez, who needs a better agent) to find his kidnapped daughter, Tiny Tina.
Thanks to the awkward and self effacing opening narration, we know that Tiny Tina might be a mystical key to a long lost vault of hidden treasure from all over the universe.
Apparently, a long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, a super intelligent race started life on Earth and dropped all the clues and tidbits that created mankind all over the planet of Pandora (no, not THAT Pandora....).
I can only assume that the super intelligent species took one look at the script and got the hell out of town.
Ariana Greenblatt (Barbie) seems somewhat miscast as Tina. I mean, she's tiny, so maybe that's as deep as the planning reached.
Kevin Hart is completely wasted in the role of a former soldier gone rogue and helping Tina. Answering the question, "Is it possible to create a film with Kevin Hart that's not funny?", BORDERLANDS screams, "Hold my beer...".
Jamie Lee Curtis seems uncomfortable even being in this movie, starring as Tannis, a scientist who seems to know where the secret vault may lie.
Jack Black is the only one to escape unscathed, voicing a rolling robot named Claptrap that at least made me laugh with some great one-liners. Imagine C3PO if he was programmed for sarcasm.
To make sure they fill the Drax & Groot roles, Florian Munteanu (Creed) stars as Krieg, a giant mountain of a killer, protecting Tina at all costs. He has about the same amount of dialogue as the aforementioned tree.
Eli Roth splatters the screen with as much CGI, creature urine and as many ugly cityscapes as possible for $100 million, but every world looks like it was recycled from a better movie. I counted a half dozen "Star Wars" references alone. If you're going to make a crappy movie, it's not wise to constantly remind people of better films every ten minutes.
The best scenes in the film almost always focus on Blanchett and her impressive weapons handling. It's undeniably fun to watch her take on hundreds of underground bad guys, rifles spinning in each hand like John Wayne in "True Grit".
Cate shows up.
Why is this thing rated PG-13? The game itself was rated M. By taking all the edge and graphic violence out of play, you're left with a watered down execution of a story so muddled that even it's own narrator can't take it seriously.
Pandora is described by all as a garbage dump of a planet. It's only fitting that this rambling dumpster fire calls it it's homeland.
Woof. BORDERLANDS gets a D.
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